Books and Friends...

Further excerpts from my 1957 hospital journal:

Note: The names used in my journal are not the true names of the individuals.

I must have a really perverse nature! I have been reading constantly since I've been here, partly because I like to read and partly to escape from meaningless conversations with my room mates. Mrs. Berkline brought me a huge stack of books from the library in the basement and now the two ladies are reading all the time! So I have suddenly lost interest in books and have started writing this journal and napping occasionally!

I've decided to use the time between supper and evening visiting hours to write in my journal, because I do want to keep it up regularly and I want to go back over the past five weeks and jot down some of the things I particularly want to remember.

I dropped off to sleep about 3:30 in the afternoon, and Lucille woke me up an hour later. I took one look at her face with that really great grin of hers and immediately forgot that I was mad and hurt because she hadn't been to see me in so long. We had a good gabfest while I ate my supper; I'm afraid I did most of the talking as usual, but she did bring me up to date on the doings of the club we both belong to.

Nurse Nancy Robin was in a few minutes ago to see if we were all okay and said that her daughter ran off and got married yesterday. She's seventeen. Nancy is a very sweet person. When I first came here to the County Hospital I was so surprised and pleased to see her, because she was at the Placerville private hospital when I was there in May. She was on night duty when I first got here and a couple of mornings I woke to find lovely flowers from her garden on my bedside table. Since she's been on the 3 to 11 shift, she and I have exchanged many a joke. She has quite a fund of shady stories!

Jack Lewis was in to see me again last night, bringing me a carton of cigarettes. He brought me a box of candy two nights before. I like Jack and feel vaguely sorry for him for some reason. He makes me uncomfortable though...I'd rather not see much of him.

Today has been windy and rainy . I have been ill at ease since I woke this morning. It seems almost as if I have about reached a breaking point. I am so tired of inactivity. I want to scream and throw things and get up and go home. I want to eat and sleep when I please, be alone once in a while, breathe clean fresh outdoor air, and get away from old women! I am thoroughly fed up with them.

Sometimes I think I haven't come as far as I thought from my emotional state of a few weeks ago. It's true I no longer weep at the slightest provocation, but I feel so violently angry right now that it scares me. I don't know whether anger is better or worse than hysterics...I suppose neither state is very healthful.

September 28, 1957:

I wish it were possible to somehow record all the thoughts that go through my mind when I'm wakeful at night. I was out of traction during the night and woke up every 15 or 20 minutes. The man down the hall screamed several times during the night and I was instantly awake each time.

September 29, 1957:

Yesterday was a very unhappy day. I was lonesome and miserable all day. The weather was weepy and so was I! I spent most of the morning reading. Georgia Bruning was our aide and she concentrated on the room across the hall first. She deliberately ignores Mrs. Ingersoll, trying to encourage her to do more for herself. Mrs. Ingersoll thinks Georgia is very unsympathetic, but I notice she manages to get herself bathed and dressed. Of course, she groans and squeaks and gasps and complains every step of the way. Each movement is punctuated by exclamations of "Oh, my!" and "Oh, dear!". Georgia is a grand person and a very efficient aide. She has Mrs. Ingersoll figured out and refuses to baby her. She seems to be preoccupied these last few days. I think something is worrying her. I almost fell off my bed the day she told me she has seven children and is about to become a grandmother! She is only 33 and looks even younger. Yesterday Georgia got Mrs. Ingersoll and Mrs. Wilkerson all dressed and hustled them out to the solarium, Mrs. Ingersoll in tears all the way. I had a few moments of being alone. It was wonderful!

The Countess came in right after dinner yesterday and we had a hilarious visit. She was all full of news about her soiree which she advertised in the paper. She had everything all arranged and was hoping for a good crowd. Wish I could be there. I think it will be fun. She also told a fantastic story of being accosted at 11 a.m. yesterday by two men dressed up like cave dwellers, complete with leopard skins, wild hair and beards. They dragged her into their "cave" (the Cedar Room) and insisted she had to buy them a drink. After protesting the earliness of the hour she gave up and went with them. One of them turned out to be Bill Smith, who inquired after me. They wound up having three drinks before she got away!

Jodie came in while the Countess was here and brought my shampoo and lighter fluid. She was going to the show...Elvis Presley was on! Sorry I couldn't muster more enthusiasm!